Birthday Books, must read.

There is something about a book store that makes me go wild. Not that I am passionate about reading everything I touch, but it's the millions of different topics there are. I love buying books for people that have open-minds because the things you can bring up to the counter are endless. Well, I figured out where I got it from. I always knew that my dad liked books but as he told me the story of his book buying experience, I knew we shared something special. Plus, he made me laugh. (see the story at the end)

These are the books I received and I instantly became excited at the thought of looking through each one while I do my business on the toilet.

Too bad there wasn't a plane ticket stuck inside the cover, but I am excited to see where I am from.












This is a special little little book that shows how an everyday situation with a kid can be amusing....as if it isn't already. It cartoon fashion, of course.












Mix n' Match Profanity Generator. Is there really anything better? And, what was the first word I flipped to you ask? Scab Smoker.









In an effort to make the 30th year of my life the best, I will follow along with this book and of course blog the shit out of it. It's quite hilarious and should be a good read.












"I'll be fluxxed if the oddest thing happened to me whilst endeavoring to obtain a certain something for your ber-day (heh heh heh). Well, I started out with the best intention and in fact knew EXACTLY what I wanted to get. A something, completely tasteful, and in the frame of mind went forth. I started searching for that item but strange things started grabbing my attention in the book store. Inappropriate things. Questionable things.

My heart started to race, running from crass and crazy volumes filled with sick humor, books laden with recipes for everything that can be cooked with Emu back bacon. Whole tracks on how to live completely in the wild with nothing but a properly channeled Chi. I found myself racing from shelf to shelf. Whole new worlds in wildly colored pages. Finally, I came upon the entire section of languages. LORD HAVE MERCY. Here in lay, every tongue of every species. Wow, how I have always wanted to conquer languages of every clime and culture.

I grabbed volume after volume, wildly attempting the toughest tongues. The most abstract dialects. I was giddy with excitement, wild with the tongues of ancient empires. Then the oddest sensation swept over me. In a bookstore of this size with a nearly thought disturbing din and roar of countless brave shoppers, I realized that as I was massively engrossed in absorbing the volume of language in my flippers, the entire store had gone dead quiet.

I slowly looked up, only to come eye to eye with the cold glare of the minion minimum wager running the store. I glanced past this mental giants shoulders only to realize that the balance of the shoppers were lock stared at me!!!

My mind railed with the thoughts of "oh crap". I was torn back to reality by the clerk "what are you doing sir?" Swiveling my Linda Blair/Exorcist head, glaring at the glarors, glaring at the glaree..."well, I was learning this language." OMG OMG Far from mumbling some illegalish phrases for ordering tacos, Christ, I was holding a Zombie Language, push button educator, parroting the phrases as if actually learning them. Then, as if standing there punching the buttons on a Zombie Language Demonstrator wasn't insane enough, I started laughing out loud at the sheer humorous, ridiculous, sheer funniness of the situation.

The clerk thought I was bonkers, I just couldn't stop laughing. The clerk smiled most mysteriously and said, "I can help you over at #6." Still chuckling my butt off, I concluded my purchases with the clerk and turned to leave the store when, still laughing and red faced embarrassed, I said to the clerk, "hey dude, look, um, well it's just a damn funny book okay?"

He simply smiled and said, "GGGuuugwahhhrraHHHrahhAHHRRHrrrroooo."

Like to crap my drawers. Well, sorry to say, but my genes are in you Berski and while I should have gotten the safe, the normal, the sane....BUT I DIDN'T. Enjoy."

Inside is 9 pages of situations where one might need to know phrases in case you are being attacked by a Zombie. Page 1: The Mall, Page 2: The Gym, Page 3: At Sporting Events, Page 4: At the Office, Page 5: At the Dog Park, Page 6: The Coffee Shop, Page 7: In a Traffic Jam, Page 8: At the Bar, and Page 9: At the Beach.

On each page is a written pronunciation of the Zombie phrase and then a translation of the phrase. The best part is that there is an associated button for each page that you can press to hear the actual pronunciation.

Also on the page is another useful phrase and a little paragraph about why Zombies favor that certain location and situation.

There is a secret page at the end with a corresponding button, labeled B: When in Doubt.

Pronunciation: BBBBBrrrruuuAAAAAAAAIIIInnnsZZZZZZ
Translation: "Brains"