Five WTF Stories

There is a site that I love to visit, and I can't share it because then you wouldn't read my blog. And, I would have to kill you. Will I get in trboule for saying that, like bomb?

Anyway, its been a crapy 24 hours so I figured I would start off with 5 WTF Stories for today. Enjoy.

Electrocution for Cute Children

Electro Smile is Guarenteed to Make Grumpy Kids Smile

Really, what parent wouldn't love one of these at some point in their childs life?

Insect Snack Packs
Giant Toaster Leafcutter Ants

High in protein, low in saturated fat. Easy on-the-go snack, that fits in a cup holder in your car. Don't ever say you are so hungry, you could eat anything.

DIY Surgery Kits
The Medline Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit is Sold on Amazon

For only $260 you can by this instant weight loss kit. This DIY kit comes with three of each instruments, no instructions or anestethia. Have a party, kick back with some drinks and friends, and lose some weight.

Cat Cough Candies
These Bubble Gum Hairballs are Both Delicious and Gross

Want fresh breath like your favorite feline, then pop a Cat Cough Candy. Wait, is it candy or gum? I'm confused and grossed out.

Private Part Prisons
Chastity Belt for Men Offers a Broad Range of Crotch Cages

When I first saw this I thought they were actual prisons shaped like private parts. I've seen some interesting prison designs from other countries, so why not a penis. But, although it wouldnt get yard time and free cable, its not much different.

How to Torture Yourself

I like to do research on things, different things, things I might want to buy, or things I'm having done. It helps me get an idea of what I should expect and what it will look like.

Its been 10 months since my braces were put on which means it's almost time for my jaw surgery. Before I got my braces put on, I researched all the different types of braces, what they looked like, what colors I could get, what the pain would be like, how much it costs, and how long people typically had them on. To date, its been a fairly uncomplicated process and not much to complain about. My teeth were always straight, it was more about the bite. A bite that doesn't have a home of its own. As my dentist said at my last check-up, "how the hell are you eating?" Well, I haven't lost but a few pounds, so it must not be an issue.

I've dealt with a defunct jaw for as long as I can remember, it not matching up, big deal. I've been a rubber band bandit since month 3 which has manifested its own bad habit. You'd think that for someone with consistent jaw pain, doing something that causes it to be sore, would know better. Call me stupid. I have this band in the back that I love to 'click' by moving my jaw a certain way. A certain way that makes it sore if i do it long enough. I don't do it when there is no rubber band, but damn it, as soon as I put it on, I'm like a fly to shit.

Clearly I'm not in enough pain on a regular basis, I just like to torture myself.

It's only a few months away and I'll be able to do head shots for the Nutty Professor or Big Mamas House. But in the end it will all be worth it, right?

I watched the Winter X-Games this past weekend and Scotty Lago was competing with a freshly fixed broken jaw. It was rubber banded shut and you could tell if and when he smiled. It got me thinking, I wonder what post-op is actually like. I started to do some research on the aftermath of jaw surgery, and its a good thing I wasn't eating lunch.

Obviously it depends on the type of jaw surgery you are having, if its one jaw or two (yes you have two jaws) and how severe your issue is. I watched a video of a surgery on YouTube, what the F was I thinking? The incision in the upper gum line wasn't so bad because I couldn't really tell, but when they got to the underside, I had to turn it off. I gulped and then shuddered. How stupid was that? I don't think I really want to know, just do it and make it better.

From my research I believe I'll be at home for about 6-9 days with chipmunk syndrome and then I think I can muster up enough guts to go back to work looking like a hot freak show. I'll just have to throw up a middle finger to defend myself, since I wont be able to talk much. I plan on losing some more weight and eating about the same as my grandmother. By the time I am 31, maybe I'll be ready for some professional photos. Oh wait, ill still have braces on. Okay, make it 32.

Hey, Four Eyes!

As a family we take a tons of pictures, of everything. Even poo. Maybe that will be my next blog, pictures of poo. In the meantime, this blog is about pictures of four eyes. Anytime we see a sweet pair of specs, we shoot. Here are just some of the ones I could find throughout the years, I am sure there are tons more hiding somewhere.

This fabulous set of prescription specs was taken at Costco, just the other day. Not only do they provide full coverage and style, they make you look like you have a black eye. It would be really hard to pull this off without the accompanying braces, they really pull it all together.










Von is always a good sport for specs. However, as he gets older he has become pickier. These tortoise shell print sunglasses go well with his complexion.










White goes with everything, but not after Labor Day.









Character of charaters, Joel is always fashion forward. These ladies sunglasses really make his cheeks pop.










Beer! Need I say more? I think these came from Pier 39 in SF.









Another great pair from Costco.









Joel forgot his sunglasses so he tried beer tokens. They were just a little bit too dark.












Newport flourescent flip-ups.









Portland Saturday Market, bunny spoons.












The Elton John look.












Recently taken at Costco. Von's tribute to reading glasses, for women.

TBWCYL: Day 7

Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy:

Women: Dark storm clouds...
Men: Two blondes. Doing it. Together.

Get your own book, I don't want you masturbating to my blog. Plus, it's too much to type.

TBWCYL: Day 8-Addiction Free Day

Your body is your temple. Cut out addictive substances for the day and see how much purer you feel. SPECIAL TIP FOR ANY BOOK OWNERS ADDICTED TO CRACK COCAINE: you may not feel purer immediately. Stick at this one for at least a couple of months to see the full lifestyle benefits.

If by purer, they mean completely exhausted and whacked out of my mind. Then yes, not having a cup of coffee this morning made me feel purer. I typically hate to see Monday but Monday means coffee. Too bad Monday didn't mean sleep or sex, or something a little more fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, coffee makes me feel good.

TBWCYL: Day 6

Today, write the opening sentence of your debut novel:

Rumpel, Stilt, and Skin will be the names of my next three children.

TBWCYL: Day 4-World Coloring In Day

Today, work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth, and get on the phone to an accredited travel agent. NB: the State Dept. currently discourages travel to the following countries: Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Zimbabwe, North Yemen.

Green: Been there, done that
Blue: Intend to go there this year
Yellow: Intend to go there some time before I die
Red: Happy never to set foot there in my whole life

So here's the deal. I totally love coloring and would love to plan all my trips for the rest of my life but on the back of this page is Day 5.

Day 5 is pretty good and it requires cutting. So it would seem like a waste of time to color perfectly in the lines, most of the world in red, just to have to cut it out afterward. However, the part that I would have to cut out for Day 5 pretty much takes care of all the places I never want to go. So even though the writers of this book clearly didn't plan ahead for Days 4 & 5, I figured out how to make them both work.

Maybe I should write a book about how to change your life...