Hey, Four Eyes!

As a family we take a tons of pictures, of everything. Even poo. Maybe that will be my next blog, pictures of poo. In the meantime, this blog is about pictures of four eyes. Anytime we see a sweet pair of specs, we shoot. Here are just some of the ones I could find throughout the years, I am sure there are tons more hiding somewhere.

This fabulous set of prescription specs was taken at Costco, just the other day. Not only do they provide full coverage and style, they make you look like you have a black eye. It would be really hard to pull this off without the accompanying braces, they really pull it all together.










Von is always a good sport for specs. However, as he gets older he has become pickier. These tortoise shell print sunglasses go well with his complexion.










White goes with everything, but not after Labor Day.









Character of charaters, Joel is always fashion forward. These ladies sunglasses really make his cheeks pop.










Beer! Need I say more? I think these came from Pier 39 in SF.









Another great pair from Costco.









Joel forgot his sunglasses so he tried beer tokens. They were just a little bit too dark.












Newport flourescent flip-ups.









Portland Saturday Market, bunny spoons.












The Elton John look.












Recently taken at Costco. Von's tribute to reading glasses, for women.

TBWCYL: Day 7

Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy:

Women: Dark storm clouds...
Men: Two blondes. Doing it. Together.

Get your own book, I don't want you masturbating to my blog. Plus, it's too much to type.

TBWCYL: Day 8-Addiction Free Day

Your body is your temple. Cut out addictive substances for the day and see how much purer you feel. SPECIAL TIP FOR ANY BOOK OWNERS ADDICTED TO CRACK COCAINE: you may not feel purer immediately. Stick at this one for at least a couple of months to see the full lifestyle benefits.

If by purer, they mean completely exhausted and whacked out of my mind. Then yes, not having a cup of coffee this morning made me feel purer. I typically hate to see Monday but Monday means coffee. Too bad Monday didn't mean sleep or sex, or something a little more fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, coffee makes me feel good.

TBWCYL: Day 6

Today, write the opening sentence of your debut novel:

Rumpel, Stilt, and Skin will be the names of my next three children.

TBWCYL: Day 4-World Coloring In Day

Today, work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth, and get on the phone to an accredited travel agent. NB: the State Dept. currently discourages travel to the following countries: Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Zimbabwe, North Yemen.

Green: Been there, done that
Blue: Intend to go there this year
Yellow: Intend to go there some time before I die
Red: Happy never to set foot there in my whole life

So here's the deal. I totally love coloring and would love to plan all my trips for the rest of my life but on the back of this page is Day 5.

Day 5 is pretty good and it requires cutting. So it would seem like a waste of time to color perfectly in the lines, most of the world in red, just to have to cut it out afterward. However, the part that I would have to cut out for Day 5 pretty much takes care of all the places I never want to go. So even though the writers of this book clearly didn't plan ahead for Days 4 & 5, I figured out how to make them both work.

Maybe I should write a book about how to change your life...

TBWCYL: Day 3

Today, throw something away that you like.

These pictures are straight outta the 80's. I mean really, look at the vibrator. It's come a long way since the straight and narrow model. The Barbie looks like it been used and abused by Ken. What is that on her dress? The joker figurine? I was right, 1989.

Throw away something I like.....hmm, I suppose it would have to be something worthy of throwing away or it would be pointless to change my life. There are a million things I would like too throw away, just looking around the desk, almost everything could be chucked.

I like this book, maybe I should throw IT away....

TBWCYL: Day 2 -The Love of Your Life

Today, gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever...Act in consequence.

I saw this guy one year and thought he was the cream of the crop. Guess I know how to pick 'em. He's a lot sexier now though. ha!

TBWCYL: Day 1-Warm up

This Book Will Change Your Life: Day 1-Warm Up

As this is your first day, you should warm up with an easy task that will change you life a little bit.

Choose one of the following options:
1. Do one press up. I'm old, so I'll pass on this one.
2. Perform a striptease (in private). Who doesn't do this every day?
3. Triple-tie your shoelaces. I'm old, so I try not to wear shoes that require tying.
4. Learn to play 'chopsticks' on the piano. Pianos are expensive, I don't own one, and I suck at music.
5. Increase your typing speed by three words a minute. By typing this awesome blog, I think I have accomplished this.
6. Jaywalk in a pedestrian zone. I live in Portland, if you don't jaywalk whenever the opportunity arises, you suck and should move.
7. Set all your clocks to exactly the right time. I simply cannot do this because that would throw off my moe-joe in the AM, to know that I have another 5 minutes before I REALLY have to get up.
8. Whisper a white lie when no one's listening. I really don't want to blog anymore.
9. Fantasize about your partner. Doing what?
10. Use a different thickness comb. I've always wanted a fro.
11. Say 'yo' instead of 'hello'. Does 'hey' count?
12. Hold the phone up to your other ear. It doesn't feel right.
13. Tell someone your middle name. Anne. Hopefully someone is reading this.
14. Try a new sandwich filling. I am a habitual person, this is not in my DNA. And doing it wouldn't change my life, it would just piss me off.
15. Leave work five minutes early. Done.
16. Bookmark a new website. http://fireonforesthill.blogspot.com/
17. Give your genitalia pet names. Thanks to Yo Gaba Gaba, I now have a Foofa.
18. Decide which one of your toes is the prettiest. The second one, which is the longest.
19. Insult an insect. I'll have to work on this for the next time I see one.
20. Go on a one-minute hunger strike. It's 7 minutes 'till lunch, beat that.

I don't know that any of these would change my life, even a little bit. Well, maybe #7. It would change my day for sure.

This Book Will Change Your Life....

If you read my earlier post, Birthday Books, you know that I got a fabulous book from my dad called This Book Will Change Your Life. I intend to make my 30th year the best and what better way to do that than to follow a meaningless, time consuming, day-to-day book of tasks. It's actually quite funny, I didn't want to put it down.

I doubt that it will actually change my life unless of course I get arrested or something else happens from the effects of this book. Nonetheless, it will keep me occupied for the next year and it will give you all something to read. My birthday was on the 30th and it seems weird to start day 1 of the book on the 31st so I decided to start on August 1st. I know, I know, I just got the book today, which is the 6th. I am not confused so I hope your not. I quickly read through the first 6 pages and I think that I can catch up by this weekend.

So, I will blog each day or a few days, depending on how bored I think you all are, and how far behind I get. I mean, I do have to do this for a year, that is a big commitment. I guess that means I have to put off a few other things I had in mind, I do enough multi-tasking with my child around.

See you all on Day 1:.........

Birthday Books, must read.

There is something about a book store that makes me go wild. Not that I am passionate about reading everything I touch, but it's the millions of different topics there are. I love buying books for people that have open-minds because the things you can bring up to the counter are endless. Well, I figured out where I got it from. I always knew that my dad liked books but as he told me the story of his book buying experience, I knew we shared something special. Plus, he made me laugh. (see the story at the end)

These are the books I received and I instantly became excited at the thought of looking through each one while I do my business on the toilet.

Too bad there wasn't a plane ticket stuck inside the cover, but I am excited to see where I am from.












This is a special little little book that shows how an everyday situation with a kid can be amusing....as if it isn't already. It cartoon fashion, of course.












Mix n' Match Profanity Generator. Is there really anything better? And, what was the first word I flipped to you ask? Scab Smoker.









In an effort to make the 30th year of my life the best, I will follow along with this book and of course blog the shit out of it. It's quite hilarious and should be a good read.












"I'll be fluxxed if the oddest thing happened to me whilst endeavoring to obtain a certain something for your ber-day (heh heh heh). Well, I started out with the best intention and in fact knew EXACTLY what I wanted to get. A something, completely tasteful, and in the frame of mind went forth. I started searching for that item but strange things started grabbing my attention in the book store. Inappropriate things. Questionable things.

My heart started to race, running from crass and crazy volumes filled with sick humor, books laden with recipes for everything that can be cooked with Emu back bacon. Whole tracks on how to live completely in the wild with nothing but a properly channeled Chi. I found myself racing from shelf to shelf. Whole new worlds in wildly colored pages. Finally, I came upon the entire section of languages. LORD HAVE MERCY. Here in lay, every tongue of every species. Wow, how I have always wanted to conquer languages of every clime and culture.

I grabbed volume after volume, wildly attempting the toughest tongues. The most abstract dialects. I was giddy with excitement, wild with the tongues of ancient empires. Then the oddest sensation swept over me. In a bookstore of this size with a nearly thought disturbing din and roar of countless brave shoppers, I realized that as I was massively engrossed in absorbing the volume of language in my flippers, the entire store had gone dead quiet.

I slowly looked up, only to come eye to eye with the cold glare of the minion minimum wager running the store. I glanced past this mental giants shoulders only to realize that the balance of the shoppers were lock stared at me!!!

My mind railed with the thoughts of "oh crap". I was torn back to reality by the clerk "what are you doing sir?" Swiveling my Linda Blair/Exorcist head, glaring at the glarors, glaring at the glaree..."well, I was learning this language." OMG OMG Far from mumbling some illegalish phrases for ordering tacos, Christ, I was holding a Zombie Language, push button educator, parroting the phrases as if actually learning them. Then, as if standing there punching the buttons on a Zombie Language Demonstrator wasn't insane enough, I started laughing out loud at the sheer humorous, ridiculous, sheer funniness of the situation.

The clerk thought I was bonkers, I just couldn't stop laughing. The clerk smiled most mysteriously and said, "I can help you over at #6." Still chuckling my butt off, I concluded my purchases with the clerk and turned to leave the store when, still laughing and red faced embarrassed, I said to the clerk, "hey dude, look, um, well it's just a damn funny book okay?"

He simply smiled and said, "GGGuuugwahhhrraHHHrahhAHHRRHrrrroooo."

Like to crap my drawers. Well, sorry to say, but my genes are in you Berski and while I should have gotten the safe, the normal, the sane....BUT I DIDN'T. Enjoy."

Inside is 9 pages of situations where one might need to know phrases in case you are being attacked by a Zombie. Page 1: The Mall, Page 2: The Gym, Page 3: At Sporting Events, Page 4: At the Office, Page 5: At the Dog Park, Page 6: The Coffee Shop, Page 7: In a Traffic Jam, Page 8: At the Bar, and Page 9: At the Beach.

On each page is a written pronunciation of the Zombie phrase and then a translation of the phrase. The best part is that there is an associated button for each page that you can press to hear the actual pronunciation.

Also on the page is another useful phrase and a little paragraph about why Zombies favor that certain location and situation.

There is a secret page at the end with a corresponding button, labeled B: When in Doubt.

Pronunciation: BBBBBrrrruuuAAAAAAAAIIIInnnsZZZZZZ
Translation: "Brains"

Bucket List

No, I'm not dying. There are just a few things I would like to do before I can't anymore.

1. Buy a new August to August 2010-2011 planner.
2. Can't think of anything else because I don't have my planner yet.

Things People Shouldn't Be Able to Do...

People shouldn't be able to put a Snuggie on a dog.













Have so much money they can drive a huge motor home and pull a Hummer, without taking me with them.










I don't even know what this is, but people in Portland shouldn't be able to do it at all.











Actually think this is safe. And yes, I know this person.










Really, seriously? I wish we had stayed to watch them put it in the water.











Stoke a bon-fire with a lawn mower. And yes, I know this person too. It's the same person with the car jack.











I could sit all day at Lowes or Home Depot and watch people try to jam stuff in their cars.












*these were all taken by me....*