Hey, Four Eyes!

As a family we take a tons of pictures, of everything. Even poo. Maybe that will be my next blog, pictures of poo. In the meantime, this blog is about pictures of four eyes. Anytime we see a sweet pair of specs, we shoot. Here are just some of the ones I could find throughout the years, I am sure there are tons more hiding somewhere.

This fabulous set of prescription specs was taken at Costco, just the other day. Not only do they provide full coverage and style, they make you look like you have a black eye. It would be really hard to pull this off without the accompanying braces, they really pull it all together.










Von is always a good sport for specs. However, as he gets older he has become pickier. These tortoise shell print sunglasses go well with his complexion.










White goes with everything, but not after Labor Day.









Character of charaters, Joel is always fashion forward. These ladies sunglasses really make his cheeks pop.










Beer! Need I say more? I think these came from Pier 39 in SF.









Another great pair from Costco.









Joel forgot his sunglasses so he tried beer tokens. They were just a little bit too dark.












Newport flourescent flip-ups.









Portland Saturday Market, bunny spoons.












The Elton John look.












Recently taken at Costco. Von's tribute to reading glasses, for women.

TBWCYL: Day 7

Masturbate at 13:56 to the following fantasy:

Women: Dark storm clouds...
Men: Two blondes. Doing it. Together.

Get your own book, I don't want you masturbating to my blog. Plus, it's too much to type.

TBWCYL: Day 8-Addiction Free Day

Your body is your temple. Cut out addictive substances for the day and see how much purer you feel. SPECIAL TIP FOR ANY BOOK OWNERS ADDICTED TO CRACK COCAINE: you may not feel purer immediately. Stick at this one for at least a couple of months to see the full lifestyle benefits.

If by purer, they mean completely exhausted and whacked out of my mind. Then yes, not having a cup of coffee this morning made me feel purer. I typically hate to see Monday but Monday means coffee. Too bad Monday didn't mean sleep or sex, or something a little more fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, coffee makes me feel good.

TBWCYL: Day 6

Today, write the opening sentence of your debut novel:

Rumpel, Stilt, and Skin will be the names of my next three children.

TBWCYL: Day 4-World Coloring In Day

Today, work out your globetrotting plans for the rest of your time on earth, and get on the phone to an accredited travel agent. NB: the State Dept. currently discourages travel to the following countries: Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Zimbabwe, North Yemen.

Green: Been there, done that
Blue: Intend to go there this year
Yellow: Intend to go there some time before I die
Red: Happy never to set foot there in my whole life

So here's the deal. I totally love coloring and would love to plan all my trips for the rest of my life but on the back of this page is Day 5.

Day 5 is pretty good and it requires cutting. So it would seem like a waste of time to color perfectly in the lines, most of the world in red, just to have to cut it out afterward. However, the part that I would have to cut out for Day 5 pretty much takes care of all the places I never want to go. So even though the writers of this book clearly didn't plan ahead for Days 4 & 5, I figured out how to make them both work.

Maybe I should write a book about how to change your life...

TBWCYL: Day 3

Today, throw something away that you like.

These pictures are straight outta the 80's. I mean really, look at the vibrator. It's come a long way since the straight and narrow model. The Barbie looks like it been used and abused by Ken. What is that on her dress? The joker figurine? I was right, 1989.

Throw away something I like.....hmm, I suppose it would have to be something worthy of throwing away or it would be pointless to change my life. There are a million things I would like too throw away, just looking around the desk, almost everything could be chucked.

I like this book, maybe I should throw IT away....

TBWCYL: Day 2 -The Love of Your Life

Today, gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever...Act in consequence.

I saw this guy one year and thought he was the cream of the crop. Guess I know how to pick 'em. He's a lot sexier now though. ha!

TBWCYL: Day 1-Warm up

This Book Will Change Your Life: Day 1-Warm Up

As this is your first day, you should warm up with an easy task that will change you life a little bit.

Choose one of the following options:
1. Do one press up. I'm old, so I'll pass on this one.
2. Perform a striptease (in private). Who doesn't do this every day?
3. Triple-tie your shoelaces. I'm old, so I try not to wear shoes that require tying.
4. Learn to play 'chopsticks' on the piano. Pianos are expensive, I don't own one, and I suck at music.
5. Increase your typing speed by three words a minute. By typing this awesome blog, I think I have accomplished this.
6. Jaywalk in a pedestrian zone. I live in Portland, if you don't jaywalk whenever the opportunity arises, you suck and should move.
7. Set all your clocks to exactly the right time. I simply cannot do this because that would throw off my moe-joe in the AM, to know that I have another 5 minutes before I REALLY have to get up.
8. Whisper a white lie when no one's listening. I really don't want to blog anymore.
9. Fantasize about your partner. Doing what?
10. Use a different thickness comb. I've always wanted a fro.
11. Say 'yo' instead of 'hello'. Does 'hey' count?
12. Hold the phone up to your other ear. It doesn't feel right.
13. Tell someone your middle name. Anne. Hopefully someone is reading this.
14. Try a new sandwich filling. I am a habitual person, this is not in my DNA. And doing it wouldn't change my life, it would just piss me off.
15. Leave work five minutes early. Done.
16. Bookmark a new website. http://fireonforesthill.blogspot.com/
17. Give your genitalia pet names. Thanks to Yo Gaba Gaba, I now have a Foofa.
18. Decide which one of your toes is the prettiest. The second one, which is the longest.
19. Insult an insect. I'll have to work on this for the next time I see one.
20. Go on a one-minute hunger strike. It's 7 minutes 'till lunch, beat that.

I don't know that any of these would change my life, even a little bit. Well, maybe #7. It would change my day for sure.

This Book Will Change Your Life....

If you read my earlier post, Birthday Books, you know that I got a fabulous book from my dad called This Book Will Change Your Life. I intend to make my 30th year the best and what better way to do that than to follow a meaningless, time consuming, day-to-day book of tasks. It's actually quite funny, I didn't want to put it down.

I doubt that it will actually change my life unless of course I get arrested or something else happens from the effects of this book. Nonetheless, it will keep me occupied for the next year and it will give you all something to read. My birthday was on the 30th and it seems weird to start day 1 of the book on the 31st so I decided to start on August 1st. I know, I know, I just got the book today, which is the 6th. I am not confused so I hope your not. I quickly read through the first 6 pages and I think that I can catch up by this weekend.

So, I will blog each day or a few days, depending on how bored I think you all are, and how far behind I get. I mean, I do have to do this for a year, that is a big commitment. I guess that means I have to put off a few other things I had in mind, I do enough multi-tasking with my child around.

See you all on Day 1:.........

Birthday Books, must read.

There is something about a book store that makes me go wild. Not that I am passionate about reading everything I touch, but it's the millions of different topics there are. I love buying books for people that have open-minds because the things you can bring up to the counter are endless. Well, I figured out where I got it from. I always knew that my dad liked books but as he told me the story of his book buying experience, I knew we shared something special. Plus, he made me laugh. (see the story at the end)

These are the books I received and I instantly became excited at the thought of looking through each one while I do my business on the toilet.

Too bad there wasn't a plane ticket stuck inside the cover, but I am excited to see where I am from.












This is a special little little book that shows how an everyday situation with a kid can be amusing....as if it isn't already. It cartoon fashion, of course.












Mix n' Match Profanity Generator. Is there really anything better? And, what was the first word I flipped to you ask? Scab Smoker.









In an effort to make the 30th year of my life the best, I will follow along with this book and of course blog the shit out of it. It's quite hilarious and should be a good read.












"I'll be fluxxed if the oddest thing happened to me whilst endeavoring to obtain a certain something for your ber-day (heh heh heh). Well, I started out with the best intention and in fact knew EXACTLY what I wanted to get. A something, completely tasteful, and in the frame of mind went forth. I started searching for that item but strange things started grabbing my attention in the book store. Inappropriate things. Questionable things.

My heart started to race, running from crass and crazy volumes filled with sick humor, books laden with recipes for everything that can be cooked with Emu back bacon. Whole tracks on how to live completely in the wild with nothing but a properly channeled Chi. I found myself racing from shelf to shelf. Whole new worlds in wildly colored pages. Finally, I came upon the entire section of languages. LORD HAVE MERCY. Here in lay, every tongue of every species. Wow, how I have always wanted to conquer languages of every clime and culture.

I grabbed volume after volume, wildly attempting the toughest tongues. The most abstract dialects. I was giddy with excitement, wild with the tongues of ancient empires. Then the oddest sensation swept over me. In a bookstore of this size with a nearly thought disturbing din and roar of countless brave shoppers, I realized that as I was massively engrossed in absorbing the volume of language in my flippers, the entire store had gone dead quiet.

I slowly looked up, only to come eye to eye with the cold glare of the minion minimum wager running the store. I glanced past this mental giants shoulders only to realize that the balance of the shoppers were lock stared at me!!!

My mind railed with the thoughts of "oh crap". I was torn back to reality by the clerk "what are you doing sir?" Swiveling my Linda Blair/Exorcist head, glaring at the glarors, glaring at the glaree..."well, I was learning this language." OMG OMG Far from mumbling some illegalish phrases for ordering tacos, Christ, I was holding a Zombie Language, push button educator, parroting the phrases as if actually learning them. Then, as if standing there punching the buttons on a Zombie Language Demonstrator wasn't insane enough, I started laughing out loud at the sheer humorous, ridiculous, sheer funniness of the situation.

The clerk thought I was bonkers, I just couldn't stop laughing. The clerk smiled most mysteriously and said, "I can help you over at #6." Still chuckling my butt off, I concluded my purchases with the clerk and turned to leave the store when, still laughing and red faced embarrassed, I said to the clerk, "hey dude, look, um, well it's just a damn funny book okay?"

He simply smiled and said, "GGGuuugwahhhrraHHHrahhAHHRRHrrrroooo."

Like to crap my drawers. Well, sorry to say, but my genes are in you Berski and while I should have gotten the safe, the normal, the sane....BUT I DIDN'T. Enjoy."

Inside is 9 pages of situations where one might need to know phrases in case you are being attacked by a Zombie. Page 1: The Mall, Page 2: The Gym, Page 3: At Sporting Events, Page 4: At the Office, Page 5: At the Dog Park, Page 6: The Coffee Shop, Page 7: In a Traffic Jam, Page 8: At the Bar, and Page 9: At the Beach.

On each page is a written pronunciation of the Zombie phrase and then a translation of the phrase. The best part is that there is an associated button for each page that you can press to hear the actual pronunciation.

Also on the page is another useful phrase and a little paragraph about why Zombies favor that certain location and situation.

There is a secret page at the end with a corresponding button, labeled B: When in Doubt.

Pronunciation: BBBBBrrrruuuAAAAAAAAIIIInnnsZZZZZZ
Translation: "Brains"

Bucket List

No, I'm not dying. There are just a few things I would like to do before I can't anymore.

1. Buy a new August to August 2010-2011 planner.
2. Can't think of anything else because I don't have my planner yet.

Things People Shouldn't Be Able to Do...

People shouldn't be able to put a Snuggie on a dog.













Have so much money they can drive a huge motor home and pull a Hummer, without taking me with them.










I don't even know what this is, but people in Portland shouldn't be able to do it at all.











Actually think this is safe. And yes, I know this person.










Really, seriously? I wish we had stayed to watch them put it in the water.











Stoke a bon-fire with a lawn mower. And yes, I know this person too. It's the same person with the car jack.











I could sit all day at Lowes or Home Depot and watch people try to jam stuff in their cars.












*these were all taken by me....*

Newspaper Competition

With the recent news of Ken Griffey Jr retiring, I was on the hunt for a Seattle Times newspaper. Why a Seattle Times you ask? Well, because the Orgonian apparently didn't think he was as important as all the police shootings, the Benson-Jefferson school protest, or who Sam Adam's is kissing.

Joel and I called all the typical places we thought might sell an out-of-state paper. I even walked around almost all of downtown Portland looking for a news stand or recepticle I could buy a Seattle Times from. I asked one of my co-workers and she called a few place as well.

Her last call was to the Oregonian, the Portland newspaper and asked them if they had a paper stand with other newspaper, specifically the Seattle Times. They said that the Seattle Times was their competition.

Last time I checked Seattle was in Washington and Portland was in Oregon...two different states. I am pretty sure that Seattle has enough surrounding cities to report news on, they don't need to report on news from Portland. That is the most ridiculous thing I think I have ever heard.

I wish I had been the one on the phone.

Wal-Mart

What is it about Wal-Mart that makes it the best place to go when you are bored? I love to see all the 'different' types of people, what they are doing, what they are wearing, and what they look like.

I have a SUPER Wal-Mart near my house that we frequent a lot. It's open 24-hours and with a small child it's a convenient one-stop shop. I have been there in the morning, afternoon, evening and mid-might; you never know what or who you might find.

Wal-Mart is also a good place to act dumb because you kinda just fit in with everyone else. One of my favorite things to do, even outside of Wal-Mart, is to take pictures of weird things, people, and activities I see. What would I do without a camera phone?

A fantastic curly rendition of a mullet. Always a for sure moment at a Wal-Mart. This one was spotted in Spokane, WA.


With an adult child in tow, you are always sure to find a grouping of fruit or vegetables. This was shot at our local Wal-Mart in Troutdale, OR.


What better way to finish off a trip to Wal-Mart than with a fantastic hat picture?

News Articles Without Video

Who the hell writes this stuff?

Bengie Molina slams ESPN for humiliating highlight...but there is no video to watch. WTF, seriously. Even the link they give (you know, some random word in the story that's highlighted so you click on it) goes to a page where the video has been deleted by MLB Advanced Media.

I don't want to read how SSSLLLOOWWW someone ran from second to home, or how embarrassing a play was, I want to see it. How can a writer post a news article about an action play and not post a video?

First of all, I can't stand ESPN and their obsessive re-runs of SportsCenter. They never show anything other than Red Soxs and Yankee highlights, even if there was no game "This clip is from three nights ago, but we decided to show it anyway." Aren't there like 28 other teams?

Secondly, if you are a professional athlete you should be used to the camera and being made fun of for whatever you do, especially coming from ESPN. Doesn't make it right, but it seems like a small thing to get pissed about.

"In that Marlins game, which we won, Nate Schierholtz(notes) went three-for-three with his first home run of the season. Matt Cain(notes) pitched six innings of no-hit ball. And the one highlight ESPN shows of that game is me getting thrown out at home? And they're doing it just for laughs? "Look, you can say I'm the slowest guy in baseball or in all of sports or in the entire world. I don't take issue with that because I AM the slowest guy. I have always been the slowest guy. I can't challenge that criticism. But ESPN's intention was not to criticize but to humiliate. I would like those people at ESPN who, from a safe distance, make fun of players for a cheap laugh, to remember that players are actual people. With wives and mothers and fathers and children and brothers and sisters. My mother saw the clip.""

Look Molina, I AM reading about how you are the slowest guy in baseball but because you are also a sniveling baby, I can't actually see it for myself. You should thank ESPN. When you are all washed up, you'll still be making money off the bloopers video with you running slow. And, your mother needs to get a sense of humor.

As another blogger put it, and I couldn't agree more....."Bengie Molina is a 12-year Major Leaguer who has made $28.8 million in his career. If he doesn't want to face mild mockery for being overweight and slow, he should spend more time with a personal trainer and nutritionist and less time whining."

Wicked Pussycat

Wick-ed (adjective) Puss-y-cat (noun) -

1. track from I Luciferi, performed by Danzig

2. the furry beast that free-roams my house

Misty Mae (yes, named after the beach volleyball player) Harold-Jenkins Breckenridge-Frogner, is MY cat or is at least when she does something my husband doesn't like. It's the same husband who said he was allergic to cats but was later found canoodling with her in the bedroom moments after he bought her.

I thought Misty Mae sounded like a magnificent name for a porn star, a volleyball player and a cat. As luck would have it, her name was already Misty when we adopted her.

It was shortly after adopting her we knew we were in for it because she was a 'special' kinda kitty. Now that the child is here, Misty has been sent to the back burner, so I'd like to showcase some of the various places she enjoys being. Besides being in bed, Misty loves to be near the dogs. I'm not sure that they really love to be near her, especially after being randomly attacked from behind, which this picture clearly doesn't show.

If there is a sink, a bathtub, or even just water...she's there. Every morning when I take a shower she is right there, usually on the corner of the sink. Sitting, waiting patiently for me to get done so I can pet her. She sits there while I do my hair (she's not scared of the hair dryer anymore) and while I get dressed. She knows when I am done and then she goes to her sitting spot to say goodbye.

This is where she sits every morning as we pack up our stuff to leave for the day. This is also the spot where she sits when we cook dinner...or when we throw her off the counter, so goes and pouts here. A little ledge between the kitchen and the dining room.

If you are fortunate enough to have a 'special' kitty, you know that boxes, bags, and well whatever else they can get into, are favorite toys and hiding places. I think Misty is especially fond of bags, even when we instigate it. I can't even remember what this was from, but we called it her city because it looked like little buildings.
I didn't think there was anyway she was going to fit in there but I was proven wrong. Plastic shopping bags may be a hazard to pets as well as small children.
We dumped the Legos out of the bag for Von and she moved in.
This is my favorite. This was at our old house in Spokane and someone put her in the bag and hung her up. My mom, sister, and I were just talking about when I was little we always had cats and I used to bring them to my mom in pillow cases and tell her I got her a present. They would tear outta that thing and hide. It's still funny.
If you can't find her, always look in a cupboard. This was her spot at our old house.

She now enjoys scratching the outside, more than hiding inside. I still haven't figured out how she can walk around the rim of the basket without falling in. Little feet I guess.

She is always knocking stuff off ledges and messing stuff up in cupboards. It's like having another child.
Misty has fine tuned the art of posing. She has gotten pretty good at it and isn't camera shy at all. Crazy, wicked, pussycat queen.
Helping pack for a trip. She was in the garage the other day and the car windows were open. Joel came to pick me up and she was asleep in the back, so when he started the car, there she was. He just kept driving. That will teach her to ever want to go on vacation with us again.
In our old house where we could have a set table and the only thing you had to worry about is blowing the cat hair off. Now you have to blow off cat hair, foot pieces and whatever else got left on there.
We love her so much we packaged her.
She was helping me decide which bib would look the best on Von.
The stand off. Nothing really phases her.
At the end of the day, we love our 'special' kitty very much. She has used a few lives already so I hope she has learned her lesson. Don't go up to old cranky women because they take you to the pound for chasing birds in their yard and not all dogs are nice like ours. She will just have to be content on slutting it up for her dad in front of the computer...
...and cuddling with mom in bed.
Misty Mae Herold Jenkins Breckenridge Frogner...our little wonderland hedgehog.